Sample of YA Fantasy: Eliptica

This is just a short sample of part of my new novel: Eliptica. I hope you guys enjoy and please let me know what you think of the story so far. Thanks again!

The ground was damp and the air was thin as a fog passed through Saldon Forest. A glimmer from the moon’s glow peeked through the tree tops, while the eerie croaks of toads and haunting hoots from owls echoed around Alexandria Roe. She sat on the ground beneath the branches of a tree, staring at her mother’s dirt packed cheeks and bewildered eyes. Her fingers dug into the wet mud, feeling a grainy liquid ooze between her fingers. Tears streamed down her mother’s face and her brunette hair was entangled in a messy bun. Alexandria watched her mother turn away.

“Mama?” her voice cracked as a cloud appeared from her lips from the cold. “Where are you going?” She tightened her brown cloak against her body. Her body trembled from the cold, and she could hear her own teeth chatter uncontrollably.

“Stay, Alaxandria,” her mother answered, glancing over her shoulder. Her gray eyes shined under the moon. “I will return for you soon.”

“But I’m scared!” she cried, but silence was the only answer she received from her mother.

Alexandria pulled herself off the ground and waited patiently for hours in the dark with only the light from the sky showed her the way. Her eyes burned from tears. The churns in her stomach weighed in on her for hours as she left the tree to find her way back home. A chill ran up her spine when she heard the howl of a wolf. Her body shook uncontrollably from fear of the creatures lurking in the trees. A symphony of howls echoed around her until she finally ran away. Every muscle in her body tensed as her feet pressed into the mud. Even her head felt like it was going to burst from the constant howls behind her. She glanced over her shoulder to discover a pack of wolves close behind her. A broken tree limb caught her ankle as she slid across the mud, smacking her back against a tree stump. Her auburn hair was covered in mud and stuck to her clammy face.

She closed her eyes and whispered a prayer to herself. The wolves flanked both sides of her with their incisors dripping with saliva. The leader of the pack approached her with his spine curved and ears pointed. Its yellow eyes gleamed at her as though enticed by the aroma of her flesh. She could hear her heart thumping harder, but her body was frozen with fright.

The wolf swiped its paw at her and cut deep beneath her breast. A piece of her cloak tore, while blood stained the material. She could feel the warm liquid drip down the side of her belly. She quickly squeezed her knees together with her arms and cradled herself against the tree stump.

“Help!” she screamed in terror. “Somebody, please! Mama!”

An explosion erupted behind her as the whiz from a bullet passed by her head. She ducked beneath the tree trunk for safety. The leader of the pack whined as a piece of its leg ripped open and blood spurted across the ground. The wolf limped away behind its pack, crying from the pain of the bullet. Alexandria looked up to find a man holding a rifle over her. His eyes as gray as glass. He dropped the weapon to the ground and knelt next to her. He grabbed her arm, but she instinctively pulled it away.

“Now, c’mon, I can’t be playing these games tonight little girl. Let me see it,” he said, holding out the dirty palms of his hands. “I can help you. I just need to know the extent of your injury.”

Her eyes turn to the ground where a puddle of burgundy red resonates beneath her. She did not realize the injury was critical. He pulled her arm away from her knee and pushed away the cloak from her side.

“I need to examine that at my lodge. My wife can give you food and water, while we prepare to stitch you up,” he said, stroking his black beard.

She could feel the blood caking the inside of her pit. Her cloak would not stop sticking to her body and the wound seemed to burn more every time she pulled away the material.

“Okay,” she answered, reaching for his hand. He pulled her to her feet and slung his rifle over his shoulder.

“Did you need me to carry you?” he asked, watching her step forward and stumble to the ground. “You don’t have to answer that. Come here.” He scooped her up off of her feet and cradled her in his arms. “How old are you anyways?” he asked, looking into the forest.

“Seven,” she answered softly.

He grunted and looked down at her with sympathetic eyes. “Another child left for dead.”

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. She closed her eyes and pretended to not hear the truth of her mother’s intentions.

“Why would she leave me to die?” she coughed with a steady stream of tears in her eyes.

“Come again?” he asked with a slight huff in his voice from exhaustion.

“Nothing,” she answered, closing her eyes with the realization that she was her mother’s bastard child.

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2 thoughts on “Sample of YA Fantasy: Eliptica

  1. Really good, I’d love to know where the story is heading. I just think you need to be a bit more delicate; there is a lot of description which is slowing the action. Try to describe the hair, the action etc in one word – you don’t need to double up and tell us: “eerie croaks” and “haunting hoots” its too heavy, and at points it feels cliche. And try not to use the adverbs as much, if you need to describe the verb then you’re not using a good enough verb (Show, don’t tell and all that jazz)

    It might just be my opinion, but I think the concept is really enthralling so I can’t wait for more 🙂

    Like

    • Thanks for the critique, Sarah. I’ve never written a young adult/ fantasy novel before and this was the exact feedback I needed. I’ve mostly written science fiction.
      I had a feeling I was going a bit over the top with the eerie croaks and haunting hoots. Just wanted a second opinion which all writers need. 🙂

      So far the story is about a girl that was abandoned by her mother because she was a accident. Her father is unknown and she is adored by the man that saved her. She grows up w in the Salamite Village where they farm and fish, selling their goods in the Orendale Market Place, but they are attacked by the Forn, a race of people that lives in the mountainous regions of Eliptica. Alexandria escapes the battle but she gradually discovers new abilities similar to a wolf.

      That’s what I have so far. I know it’s a bit vague, but I’m still adding need scenes in my outline. It’s still in the rough draft phase. Just needed some feedback on if I’m going in the right direction with this. Thanks again, Sarah!

      Like

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