Finding the Answers

I’ve been going through a lot of questions in my head lately. I’ve discussed many of them with a few friends, a blogger or two, and finally Nadine. I did have one friend really tell me what he had to do to be able to get through some of the things that were going through his mind because he is suffering from being bipolar. He’s been diagnosed, and he seems to be just fine when you talk to him in person, but one slight thing could set him off, as he told me. Now, he has discovered a friend that is the one person that he can talk to that will snap him out of it automatically. I thought about this a lot last night before I went to be, and I wondered is there that one person in my life that just steps in to talk to me that was meant to run into me to help me pull through those dark tunnels of my mind. In all truth, I think there is, now that I am starting to experience these feelings more often. As I’ve said in a few recent posts, I can’t talk to anyone sometimes, I can’t talk to my parents, friends, sister, Nadine, or co-workers about it because I don’t want to get some kind of special treatment from them, it just makes it worse. I almost feel like I’m a burden and just want to disappear form their lives. 

I recently started talking to someone I barely know, but it’s kind of strange how one conversation with someone you hardly know can really do a lot of good for your spirits. Yesterday was just one of those really sucky days that are almost unbearable to get through. You almost just want to go to sleep halfway into the day and just not wake up till tomorrow. Well, after talking to this person it brought an immense amount of perspective on what am I doing to make myself better. Right now, I’m doing nothing. I’m sitting here thinking I’m invincible and nothing can happen. it’s like I’m living in an utopia within the walls of my house, yet I do know there is something going on deep inside me that I try with all effort to ignore. It has gotten to the point where it is time to speak out to someone and find the help that I may need to get through it. Also, medically there may be something going on with my diet or my lifestyle that is making me have dizziness. There are multiple things that could be causing me to feel this way and I’m trying to diagnose myself by reading articles and reading what people are going through. Maybe it is time to stop being stubborn and at least know what this is. 

Thanks to the person that really snapped me out of this last night. 🙂

The Interesting Things I’ve Accumulated

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This is my display of some of my graphic novels from The Walking Dead. I also have an abundance of comic books on the top shelf in my office but they weren’t as appealing as this bad boy!

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Here’s my Lord of the Rings signatures. The top one is a screenplay signed by the cast, and the bottom one is the two actors I didn’t get signatures from in the top one. I got these 3 pictures/ screenplays at Dragon Con four or five years ago.

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I bought this piece because Charles Adlard (The artist for some of Kirkman’s Walking Dead Comics) made this. I still haven’t framed it, but it’s a fantastic piece for my Walking Dead collection!

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This is an Assassin’s Creed poster for Black Flag. I like this because it was made by Todd McFarlane (Another artist that drew for Robert Kirkman) 

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And my most prized piece is the Stormtrooper helmet. I won this baby from my photographer when I donated to her friend’s charity. I love this because I mean, it’s Star Wars, nothing is more beautiful than this sitting on top of the shelf in your office while you find those inspiring words.

As you can see, I’m a bit of a nerd, but I love collecting things. It’s growing to be an almost dangerous hobby! Hope you guys enjoyed!

Crazy Day Off

I’m going to be completely honest in this post. I think I’m at the midst of a complete break down. I don’t know what it is that is pecking at my brain right now, but I am honestly scared. I don’t know what it is that is compelling me to feel this way. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m drowning in debt, that I don’t know what’s going through Nadine’s head, or if maybe I’m just a complete and utter failure, but right now, there are things running through my head that I can’t even get a grip on right now.

I had a day where I starting pondering a lot about life. I wonder if I’m going to still be in this position in ten years from now? Will I have a better career? Will I be married and have children? Am I even ready for the responsibility of adulthood right now. I’m trying so hard to keep everything inside me together but for some reason I do feel like I’ve failed. I’ve failed on myself, my family, my friends, and Nadine. It’s hard to let that come out of me, I use to have so much pride in myself. I use to be excited to know what would happen the next day. The mystery of life I guess you could say. Now, it feels like I’m living the same day, over and over again. I work, I write, I eat, I sleep, and watch television. I know what I’m scared of, but I’m too much of a wuss to admit what it might be. I’m scared to talk to my mom about it cause I don’t want to know the truth. I’m scared to tell Nadine about it cause I don’t want her to be scared. I know I suffer from a lot of anxiety at times and maybe that’s what it is that is making this increasingly hard for me. Anyways, this is what it has been like the last few days.

I’ve woken up from bed lighten headed, sometimes with a blistering headache. I take the dog outside to pee and feel a little dizzy. Then, the cat begs for its breakfast early in the morning. I usually go to the fridge and have a sip of juice and then I will go to the bathroom before I go back to bed. I finally wake up fully and for some reason my head hurts again so I take a 5- hour energy and miraculously the head ache goes away. I’ll take a quick shower and get ready for work, but I usually have just a granola bar, if anything at all. I’ll be at work, and my body will be fatigued after 4 hours and my energy drops dramatically after lunch. I usually make up for my breakfast by eating a bigger lunch. Sometimes my head will start to ache at work again, but I don’t know if it’s because of the five cavities I have in the back of my mouth. I’ll get off work and go home. I’m almost always ready to go to bed before 10 o’clock. 

Today, I woke up feeling even worse than I did the day before. I even slept in till 12 o’clock today. My eyes were feeling pretty dry. They have been for the last few days. I did my normal routine with the dog and cat. I went to the bathroom, but I had an even worse headache today. I took another energy shot and it went away. After Nadine left for work, I laid down for a bit on the couch. I got up after ten or fifteen minutes and felt extremely light headed and dizzy to the point where I almost felt like I would black out. I even went to the bathroom about five times today, which is not normal for me. I feel hotter than I usually do, and I just feel like my whole body is just breaking down slowly. I have no clue what’s going on with me, but it seems like every time I eat something I feel a little better. Then, I’ll be back where I was a half hour after I ate and I’ll be even more hungry than before. I’m home right now, and I already feel exhausted just from driving around town today, and it’s really starting to concern me. I’m even more paranoid about everything going on in the news, and I just keep thinking about what the hell is going on with me? 

I actually just Googled Diabetes, and I’m starting to freak out a little bit because I always said it would never happen to me, but it’s genetic in my family as well as depression. So right now, I really don’t know what to think. I want to see a doctor, but I don’t want to know the truth. I almost feel like I may have given up on myself recently and just haven’t realized it yet. Then, i go and talk and write about things about trying to improve on oneself and not letting things bog you down in life. Yet, I can’t even take my own words to heart. I’m a hypocrite for thinking I could just say things and it’ll all be better. No, I’ve really lost my mind this time. 

Horizon: Aaron Lambright

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I’ve had a few people ask me about my characters in my novel from their roots to becoming a character to reasons they do the things they do. I’m going to start this all off with my protagonist Aaron Lambright.

Aaron Lambright is a twenty-four year old male. He is about 5’10 and has brown hair. He has a brother named Landon, who is his twin. Aaron is your in the norm kind of guy. He is a marine biologist who has suffered some troubling times in his past. He originally discovered a ship artifact nestling deep within the crevices of the ocean floor in the Arctic Ocean. He had to be funded by the Captain Glenn, who is a multimillionaire that makes his money off the ideas and knowledge of other sailors and scientists. I’ll be getting into more detail with him later.

Aaron was originally born in Cordova, Alaska, where he played music and hardly could survive off the tips he was making at local bars. He left home because his father, Weston Lambright was forcing him to join the Navy. (His father is a Navy Captain). He ran away from Cordova and took a plane to Australia, where he built a whole new life away from his home. He lives in the boat he collected as payment from Captain Glenn and resides there in the harbor of Sydney, Australia. Over the years since the discovery of the artifact, he has lived his days as a drunken sailor, who occasionally drifts off the The Great Barrier Reef with his assistant, Sandy. 

He discovered when he was nineteen that his mother was suffering from cancer and within months she had passed away. All of the lost time and vague memories brought Aaron to a point of inner destruction to lead him to where he is today. His father wants nothing to do with him because of his refusal to join the military. He is struggling with his relationship with Abigail and after a few events, emotions get rocky between the two. This leads to Aaron tilting his bottle of run more heavily and blacking out more often than not. 

 

The reason I wrote Aaron Lambright, in my own lost drunkenness years ago, was because I wanted to build a relationship with a character that was based off me in the past and in the future. His ship the Chanda II was a symbolic relationship between my ex-girlfriend at the time and how terrible I wanted to make things work, but she was so crazy I couldn’t make sense of anything she thought. I made the ship so dirty because my relationship felt dirty with her. It was almost like I was sucked into this black hole and couldn’t find a way out. Abigail saved him from his growing demise but their relationship has been a struggle. This relationship is based mostly off of some past relationships, but occasionally I’ll add bits of positive things that have happened presently in my own relationship.

I hope you guys enjoyed the insight on one of my characters. I’ll post more characters bios later. 

 

Working Yourself to Death

I  haven’t had too much time these last few days to get on here, so I’m going to stick a post in this morning. I’ve been overloaded with work, so I’ve been having to spend a lot of time with fruits and vegetables lately as well as trying to dig deep into writing Eversoul. Saturday one of the guys at work had a stroke, so I’m filling his shifts till Friday, which I beg to ask the question, why do people continue to work after 80 years old. I mean, I understand some people will work 20 hours a week just so that they can keep their retirement, or stay busy. This guy was working 40 hours a week lifting case that were between 40-50 pounds. You would think there is a point in your life, where you can enjoy the rest of your days with family and not have to bust your butt till you land in your death bed. I sometimes even wonder why we expect so much from these people when they are too fragile to even walk. This is probably the second reason why i stepped down from my position at my job. I don’t want this job to be the last thing I do before I die. I want to be able to either make a difference in this world, or create something that will inspire and innovate the people around me. I know there are reasons that people do what they do daily, but shouldn’t your health and family be the first priority no matter what?

Everyone Needs a Good Eye

I haven’t been on here much today. I’ve been posting so much the last two weeks, I had to give myself a little bit of a break so i could get back to Eversoul. I also woke up at 4 am this morning to go to work and at 3:30 pm I was out like a light bulb. Terrible and overused metaphor, but I think I’ll be able to look passed it for this post. 

I had someone bring this to my attention today because my editor recently took a job with a company, and she is bombarded with work. Anyways, I’ve been searching for an editor for Eversoul, and a fellow author asked me, “If you do your own editing services for people, then why don’t you just edit it yourself?” Well, duh! I edit my work about four-five times before I even send it out to a second pair of eyes to look at, let alone an editor. I found that the best practice is to have a second, third, and even a fourth pair of eyes look at your work before you even think about publishing a novel. This is so that you don’t happen to accidentally miss something. I know I’m not perfect, so I definitely want that peace of mind knowing that someone is caring for my work and giving me their attention to detail as I would with any other author. So yes, you maybe an amazing editor, but you will still make a few mistakes here and there. Even is your missing that simple “s” on random pages.

Anyways, time to go get some groceries. I’m starving and Nadine is waiting for me to leave the computer. So here’s my post for the day. if I can fit another one in, I will, but I enjoyed all of your responses on the last few posts I’ve done. Thanks for taking the time to read and appreciate your thoughts!

Is It Expensive, or Are We Poor?

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I was sitting at home today thinking about all the materialistic things that I have in my house right now. Many questions kept popping in my head and nothing seemed to make sense in my own mind. Seriously, why the hell did I buy this crap?! Apparently when I was an assistant manager I didn’t think about where my money was going. I’ve even had some friends tell me not to overspend and be careful with the newly acquired income I was receiving. Like damn, I went bookoo crazy! 

I stepped down from my job as an assistant because I was losing a lot of my personality. I was angry every day, unhappy, and the upper management made me feel like I was a shit stain they needed to clean up. It got to a point where suicide seemed like the only option to escape the place. I was frightened and scared what I might lose when I left my position. I was even more worried what might happen with my relationship with Nadine. I will be the first to say that sometimes it gets really rough financially, and it is very scary. I was never honest with myself though when I was working as an assistant. It was almost like I wanted to play this role as a celebrity when actually I was just rotting in some shit hole environment that was barely getting me by each day. I think the reason I bought a lot of the stuff I have now and ran my credit cards through the roof was because I wanted to try to create this environment at home that could take me away from that place I was in at work. I’m sure people may not understand the reasoning behind some of my actions, but in my head, they do make since.

I know I had a few friends say I was crazy for letting a job like that go but to be honest, working 60 hours a week for someone else and only making a very small percentage of the cake felt like I was being taken advantage of. My pay would decrease after 40 hours, it would decrease again after 50, and then decrease again after 60. I don’t mean a few bucks here and there, I mean half of my hourly pay, if you took it down to the numbers. I don’t think I’m the kind of person that is truly a money person. Yes, I want to have enough money to do what I want to do: write, travel, and enjoy life, but it feels like money has brought everybody around me as well as myself down. 

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We are so consumed by the new technology and new toys that hit the market that we are willing to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on brand names, when we can simply buy something cheaper that is the exact same product. I know yesterday I went shopping for shirts, I saw all these Marc Anthony shirts for 24.99. I look right next to it. There was a brand called APT, where you got 2 shirts for 18.99. These shirts were the exact same material and design as Marc Anthony. So, why would anyone pay more for less? Well, the name I guess. Why are we so consumed in impressing the next person that enters our home or sees us walking down the street? Have we come to that point in our everyday life that we have to out buy our neighbors just to satisfy our own egos?

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I watched a movie recently called The Joneses, but it had the perfect concept about this. A family moves into a neighborhood full of rich people. This family had a mom, dad, son, and daughter. Your typical American family. Well, they had all the brand name products across the board. We’re talking appliances, decor, perfumes, clothing, video games, and cars. The crazy part was the family was just a way for businesses to sell their products. These people got pulled from their normal jobs and families to take part in this to sell products and pretend to be a family. It was the craziest thing! The neighbors fell for it and bought everything these people didn’t spend a cent on. 

So what does this tell us about where we are going as a nation? I think right now we’re stuck in limbo with the bullshit that’s going on in politics as well as the corporate world that is just trying to grab every cent from our pockets. Where is our money really going when we buy these products though? Are they going to ethical business practices, or another environmental disaster waiting to happen? We are creating our own demise by giving in to the corporate lies that we see on television, hear on the radio, and read in magazines. I know I was a sucker for it for a long time, bought the nice car, the nice flat screen televisions, the surround sound system, and many more things. I don’t know why i felt the need to buy these things, but now, I wonder why I didn’t think it through before I just threw my credit cards and money willingly to these people.

It’s in human nature for us to want, but is it really what we need? Someone told me the other day are prices expensive, or are we just getting poorer? Honestly, who knows what the answer to that is, but I’m willing to bet, we’re getting poorer due to the government and corporations strangling us with their greedy fists. What do we do now to save ourselves?