He Leads

I’ve been really thinking back lately to where I was mentally last year. There was many struggles in my and more worry than I can even imagine. It’s kind of amazing the 180 I took after I submitted myself to Jesus. It’s empowering to say that because before last April, I don’t think I could openly have said that. I will say, I was extremely selfish and stubborn for about seven to eight years of my life. (Possibly longer). It’s amazing what changes have occurred in my own life but simply saying, “Yes, I’ll do it.”

I used to say, “No,” many times. It was like the one word that kept me from having to obligate to anything. When I made the decision to finally break that chain of being comfortable and walking outside of that zone, my world changed. I use to be scared to even walk into a church without feeling like judgmental eyes were watching my every move, but it’s funny how those people were not like that. The churchgoers that I once thought were the most judgmental are some of the most loving and supportive people I have ever met in my life. It’s amazing how God has actually steered me away from the people that were actually causing all of my pain and suffering. It’s even more remarkable when he leads me back to those people and speak his word when they are in trying times.

The last two nights I performed in a play called “The Way of the Cross”. Honestly, I didn’t know how powerful the experience would be until last night. The last performance hit me harder than I could have ever expected. Although the last month or two has been a bit trying with all of the situations that only the deceiver could cause, somehow this amazing group of people came together and brought it to life. These moments are definitely the ones where the power of God roars in all of us.

I’ve met some amazing people over the last year and it has been amazing being able to walk this spiritual journey with Jesus. I have told many people my testimony and put it out there for many to see through this blog. Some of the most uncomfortable situations I have openly talked about without a flinch. Although my story is not as dramatic or chaotic as some, it’s still amazing to know that I was healed from my depression. It’s amazing how quick just being around a community of believers can pull you from the ashes of your own self pity and make you realize there is more to life than dragging your feet and worrying. Yes, concern is okay to have, but worry causes all kinds of mental illness.

Believe in Jesus. His Way is the only way. Much love.

Let Go, Let God.

I know many of you have probably heard this phrase many times. “Let Go, Let God.” I’ve been living by that for the last year. In all honesty though, I was that guy who continuously tried to bargain with God in my prayers, hoping that if I asked for something I could get it by adding that little “… I’ll do this… etc.” at the end of my prayers. What’s funny is all of those prayers were not answered at that specific time. It took three and a half years for me to finally realize what I was truly craving for in my life. Although having plenty of money and owning a yacht was the top picks on my cravings list, it was neither one of those. I found out that I can’t really live life without Christ in it. I was living in fear my whole life and yet the answer was right in front of me the whole time.

I remember last year when it finally hit me that God and Christ were always there. Yes, leaving my job as an assistant manager and failing at publishing a successful first novel were heart breaking. It was like everything was being ripped from me in an instance. Even depression decided to make itself comfortable inside of my unsettled mind. I lived through the thoughts of “What if” and “I hate this” for a long time. It took a year after stepping down from me position, at my job, to finally lay it all out to God and just ask “What are you trying to do with me?” At this time in my life, it was a weird question to ask because I lost my faith many years before. I was asking the same exact questions as anyone else I hung out with. “Why would God do this to good people? If he is real, why is there no proof of him?” All of these questions were not painful for me to ask three years ago, but now, I’m shocked at how losing my identity led me to BELIEVE again.

Here’s a scenario:

Imagine leaving your part time job for the night with distress and pain deep inside of you. You are struggling to pay the bills, you are questioning your relationship with your significant other, and you simply have lost all hope. The raindrops outside your windshield are enough to reverberate those emotions even harder inside your chest. It’s almost like everything around you knows what you are feeling. Tears fill your eyes and they are so swollen you are forced to pull over. First reaction, slam your fists against the steering wheel in anger. It doesn’t help. You reach for your phone and flip through every contact but you feel like the whole world is against you. You toss the thing in the back seat. A sinister thought creeps in your mind whispering, “Just be done with it. Be done with your life.”

The anxiety builds inside your chest like a balloon. You can feel the pressure against your chest and you almost want to explode. All hope is fading and the only thing that keeps creeping into your mind is, “You are already LOST. You SIN. No one LOVES you. There is NOTHING left for you. All you are is a washed up musician without any real talent or worth. Even writing has failed you. What worth are you to society?” These questions are tough for you to hear. All you can think is, “Yeah, you’re right.” You decide that taking your life would be better than watching everyone suffering around you by your choices. The only thing you can think of is to ask for forgiveness from Christ for being so weak and giving up.

I was the person in this scenario a year ago. My depression had run so deep to my core, I was ready to kill myself. Although the deceiver had me at his fingertips, something pulled me away. I prayed in fear because I did not know what as going to happen when I got home, but the remarkable thing is, goosebumps rippled across my arms and chest. It felt like I was being held. One of the scariest, yet memorable moments of my life. This was enough to prove to me that he is ALIVE in all of us. I ended up going straight to bed when I got home and woke up refreshed. I decided to go to church that next weekend because I had been inspired by a play my parents were in “The Way of the Cross.”

When I went to that play, I didn’t realize the impact it would have in my life because I would have never thought to go straight to Jesus. I continued to go to church on a regular basis and heard the phrase “Let Go, Let God.” I had a friend that I had not spoken to in almost eight years, possibly more message me on Facebook to see how I was. She even told me that something pulled her to talk to me and check and see if I’m okay. I mean, how crazy is that? At a time when I was living through chaos and rediscovering my identity, someone from my distant past steps in to minister to me. God brought a blessing to me to help me on my spiritual journey.

My financial struggles started to lighten. Of course, I lost material things that I loved, but I discovered those things weren’t the root of my happiness. I lost my car, my smartphone, my computer, but I did not lose my love for Christ. I joined a disciple study with the church, went to smaller bible studies, and now, I’m in that play “Way of the Cross.” I have met a plethora of people and even found my love for writing and editing cinematic trailers for books. All of these gifts that were useless when I was working a dead in job decided to return to my life and bring back my drive. I eventually found the courage to leave my job and start my own business. Even found time to write a book which will be out March 19. Now, I have discovered a hidden gift that I was always shy about, acting. I never thought I would be able to have the courage to stand in front of people to act out an event that means so much to the Christian community.

I wanted to write this because I struggle just as much as anyone else. The deceiver sits on my shoulder everyday, waiting for an opportunity to whisper in my ear. Today, the deceiver decided the opportune time was while I was acting out a monologue. The thoughts slithered in my ears. “You can’t play this part. You hardly know how to pronounce the words. Do you really think your shivers and shakes are unnoticed in the crowd? Ha! You are pathetic!” These were the thoughts drilling into my mind. I felt like a lost lamb, trying to escape a wolf. I sat in my car when I got home and pulled out the script, scanning through every line trying to figure out what I was getting myself into. With starting a business, promoting a book, and trying to memorize lines, I was frightened. It wasn’t until I heard the song “Who Am I” by Casting Crown. It really pulled me out of my fears. God is on my side and rooting for me. He led me in this direction for a reason, and I’m not going to let him down. I will never give up!

 

 

Psalm 139: 11

“If I say “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you, the night will shine like the day,for darkness is light to you.”

Patience Over Now

Today at church the sermon was called “So, Sow.” The verse the pastor read was Psalms 126: 1-6. He emphasized the last two verses 5 and 6 which read: “They that sow in tears shall reap and joy. He that goes forth and weeps, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.”

This is an interesting verse considering it probably pertains to many of us. I know it does for me more than a handful of times. My main character in my story would be considered the seed. Now, I can either build up this character’s background by writing about it from the beginning of the novel or through flashback throughout the story. What if we decided we just wanted to write his adventure and totally ignore his background? In my opinion, that’s not doing a book justice.

Think about, Harry Potter discovered that he was a wizard because of letters from Hogwarts pulling him to come to the school of witchcraft and wizardry. He was confused at first about it because he heard rumors from his aunt and uncle about his parents that at the time seemed possible. If his aunt and uncle had told him the truth in the first place, they would have never gone to that rock in the middle of the ocean, and Hagrid would have never had to go through the trouble of retrieving him from them. Then, you start to learn more about his parents and why he has a scar over his forehead. Also, you learn about his background with his parents fighting Voldemort and some of the history they had at Hogwarts. Honestly, being able to see a character grow through experiences, and stories that were never told to them is much better than him going straight to school. Seriously, he’d just be another student studying ever year without any real significance other than having a wand and a bunch of friends.

Instead of jumping straight into the story about a character and not putting much thought to it is a injustice to your writing. I mean, can a person really build feelings for their characters through just sentences like: “And then this happened…” and “Finally, he did that task without having to go through that obstacle.” This kind of writing is very bland for your readers.

I currently give my advice to a few writers in my community, and I’ll read some of their paragraphs and know what they are trying to portray, but they are mostly telling me what’s happening. It’s not the character living out the experience in the writing. It’s not two people discussing a problem, but a problem being narrated to me like the characters are just another grain of dry sand. I actually chuckled once cause I had a writer tell me they just like to “Wing it.” They don’t do much planning cause there’s no emotion to planning a character. Maybe that is true, but sometimes planning and outlining will help you remember what happened in the past.

For instance, you’re halfway through the novel and you originally write about a character that has gone through a traumatic accident in her past and she is suffering from PTSD. You write this whole introduction about how she has suffered and how she is fighting through her disorder. Then, instead of writing about her in a car accident, you decide, hey what is she wen through an abusive relationship. Okay, now, you’ve just changed your whole story. All of the scenes that you wrote about her being frightened of cars, is now her insecurities around men or other people.

An outline does help and it will sow that seed that you want to last forever in your readers’ mouths. If you put forth the effort to build your main character, it will grow on its own until it turns into something greater. A strong background is the foundation to creating all the other elements that fall into place in your story. Plus, you’ll get more praise for it from your readers.

Have patience and don’t rush your writing.

Connecting the Dots

Today has been a very inspirational and encouraging day. A lot of the questions about my life and where I am being guided have finally pieced together. There are still some questions that are constantly pressing deep inside of me, but I am gradually finding the voice to express how I feel in those moments.

I had many memories of small moments that have led me to where I am at now from all of the pride I had for myself, the jealousy of others that did better than me, and all of my selfish ways. During my days in high school eight years ago, I had a huge ego. I thought that the world revolved around me and I could do whatever I wanted. My life was based around a spoiled kid who went to mom and dad for anything that I needed at the time. Especially if I ran into trouble along the way, they were the first ones I ran to for help. There are constant things that happen throughout people’s lives to bring them back to the Lord and in every way, it turns out to be a beautiful story that is filled with encouragement for others who have the opportunity to hear a person’s life. Well, I’m going to summarize all of the important moments of my life that led me here.

Learning Music-

I learned how to play music in high school, and I was very talented at it. I played tuba in the Wind Symphony, and sousaphone in the marching band. The goosebumps and special moments I experienced performing made me feel like I was at bliss with myself. There was nothing that could take away the feelings that music brought to my heart. When I reached my Senior year of high school, I traveled across Europe and performed at many historical locations across the continent. It was an amazing adventure that created a new perspective of what I wanted to do with my music.

Back home, I put together a small rock band and enjoyed creating music. It was like we were all connected until we started finding new members and replacing old ones. It got to the point where all we wanted was fame and fortune. Both of these never came to us, but we did enough work to pull in a small following, but we never reached that milestone where we all felt fulfilled with our lives. All of us wanted to make more money and be able to travel to huge arenas, where we could perform for thousands. That never happened though. After looking back at what kind of experience I went through with the band, it made me realize the one passion I truly did have. It was actually the ability to write a story and portray a picture of what I was seeing in my mind. This brought about the next stage to my life.

Writing-

I enjoyed writing stories before, during, and after my music stage of life. I went to school at the Art Institute of Atlanta, where I was studying Audio Production. My journey there ended up leading me into an English class, where I met a wonderful teacher named, Ms. Jenkins. She was one of the most encouraging teachers I had ever had the honor of studying with. She taught me a lot about creative writing and even offered her services in editing to help me grow as a writer. It wasn’t until it was the end of the year when she gave me my first notebook to use for dreams that I happen to want to write about. That notebook now sits inside of a box in my closet, but it was the gesture that let me know that I was stepping in the right direction in my life.

I ended up writing scripts for some of the video production students, who struggled with creativity. It was fun joining in small groups and helping these kids out, but it didn’t start to dawn on me until about two years later when my dad sat me down in his office at his house.

Spreading My Wings-

My dad was struggling with his business, and he was leading in the direction of bankruptcy and searching for a solution for problems at work. He worked so hard for his business that he built the last 25 years. My mom played an important roll with him too, but it all came tumbling down. I don’t know when the quake started for my dad, but it didn’t reach me until I was halfway through college.

He sat me down in his office and looked up at me over the rim of his glasses. He had multiple documents in his hands from insurance companies, school bills, the mortgage, utilities, and anything else he owed money to. His credit was ruined and there was little hope for him to pull himself out of it. Actually, I remember a few months later he started going back to church and searched for answers in spirit trying to figure out what to do in his situation. Anyways, he told me that he could not take out another loan for my schooling and that I needed to start helping out. I was told that I needed to get a job to help pay for my schooling, my health and auto insurance. It was actually a fair deal, but my selfishness and ego didn’t see it that way. I felt like my dad was trying to punish me and make me fail. It wasn’t that at all.

If my dad did not make me step up my life like he did that day, I think I would still be living with them in the same position today. At the time, I was coming near the end of performing with my band and meeting the one I love today, Nadine. My band performed two more gigs after I met Nadine, and we split up because the guitarist wanted to join the army, I needed to make more money working in the grocery store, and the drummer went to school down in Valdosta, which was a distance away.

Nadine-

I remember meeting Nadine in a small pizzeria off of Lawrenceville Highway. It was inside of a strip mall, but they had open mics there, and my guitarist wanted to perform one of our last times there. We went in and one of our fans was there with her cousin, Nadine. I sat down at the table behind her with Luke. I couldn’t help but text Nadine’s cousin. I sent texts about how beautiful Nadine was and how much I liked her. It was actually kind of pathetic on my end of it haha! We exchanged numbers at the end of the night and ended going on a few dates afterwards.

I think meeting Nadine was not a coincidence in my life. I feel like it was God’s way of pointing me in the direction I needed to turn to. If it wasn’t for Nadine, I would’ve never continued to work at my job with the grocery store. I would be living with my parents. Quite possibly, I probably would have not had the motivation to build myself up. I had found my Eve, but I needed more in my life to feel like I was doing well in the public eye of my friends and family. I decided to become an Assistant Manager after three years of working for the same company.

I’m going to end this post here. it’s getting a bit long. Plus, I have work early in the morning. Please stay joyful and inspired by everything around you. There’s always a spark somewhere that is going to get your attention. You just have to be patient to grasp its meaning. Until tomorrow, sleep well and Happy Blogging!

MY Recent ReBlog

I scoured through my past posts and was amazed at how long ago I posted my Testimony on here. I read through the whole post, which I am sorry if it was too long for anyone that read it, but it was my story last year. We all have a story where we fell to the darkest depths of our inner selves and tried so desperately to pull ourselves from the ashes, but we continued to scrape against the small stone walls of our world. It’s kind of funny though when God uncovers your blind eyes and reveals what is waiting for you. Yes, it may at first seem like an uncomfortable change for yourself, but once you do it, the world starts to turn again in your life.

Psalm 139: 11

“If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is light to you.”

At the church’s Men’s Group Breakfast today, a young woman named Jessica Banner spoke about how God has been working with her to bring her to where she is now. This was a verse that she read today, and I was instantly pulled to it because I was in this same place for a long time.

It’s funny how this speaker today fell into my life at a time, where I was still having questions towards God. I was still pondering what my life really meant and why I was continually satisfied with everything around me now, even though not much has changed other than my attitude. I know I have been more active with my blog recently, and I write more frequently with my novel. These two things were the only two changes I’ve made in my life so far, and I have been immensely blessed with joy being able to have the opportunity to spread my thoughts with my words.

Today was a realization that God did many of these things so quickly this last year because I had too much pride in myself when I was an Assistant. I decided I didn’t need him anymore, and as bad as I hate to say it, I returned to him in the darkest hours. I hate to say it only because I wish I would have glorified him in my brightest days. I’ve learned to be more humble towards him and the ones around me that have pushed me in this direction, and I plan to keep moving in this direction.

Trials

I have come to the realization that I am being tested. Last year was a great year. I published my first book, made a little money to get some new things, and stepped down from my job to pursue writing. I’ve finally realized that having a part time job and writing is not working out anymore. I can’t take the plunge that I wanted to because I am so deep in debt currently, and I am having troubles with even paying for my insurance, car, and phone. I was offered by a family member recently $3,000, but I turned it down. Is it because of my pride? I don’t think so. I just never really thought I’d be at this point in my life. Let me break it down for you guys real quick. Maybe someone can give me some advice.

I owe:

$308 on my phone before it’s turned back on.

$877 behind on my car payment.

$9,700 owed to student loans.

$2,800 owed in credit cards.

Plus, my mortgage has gone from $540 a month to $740 a month because of property taxes.

Am I concerned about these things? Yes, I am. Do I let them control my life? No I don’t.

Right now, I feel like I am being tested on my faith and my own life. I put a lot of faith in God, but when I get the phone calls and the letters in the mail from debt collectors, I do waver a bit. I am the first one to say that I am not a good Christian. I have done wrong, I have sinned many times, I’ve been envious of others, and I put my wants before my needs. I know there are far more people out there that have a lot worse going on in their life. I pray for those people I know and I don’t know everyday. I pray for myself as well cause I do need help. I do need to find a way to rise up from where I am at.

I work 40 hours a week at my current job, and I do side work to get by. Although I may be worried about these small financial things, I do believe that God will provide. At the end of the month, I still have a roof over my head, transportation to get to work, and food on the table. Yes, some days are scary. Some weeks frighten me.

The only consistent thing in my life has been family, and I finally realized that money was the factor that tore it apart years ago. Do I want that in my life? No. Is that why I turned down the $3,000? Maybe.

When you live a life where everyone is out to take care of themselves, you don’t know what that money will lead to. If I take that money, I would pull myself out of a lot of the debt that I am, plus get back on track with my bills. I just want to earn it though. I want it to be my own money that I busted my butt for. Not someone else’s money so they can come back and hound me for it back. That’s why I say no. I can’t put myself in a position where my family turns against me because of a piece of paper. Sorry, I needed to rant a little.

What’s Been Happening?

I haven’t done a personal post in a while so i thought I would update everyone on what’s going on. Currently, I am working on editing The Temperament Scepter to hopefully make its debut in August, (Hopefully) I am also discovering a deeper meaning to life as I have as started to look deeper into my spiritual self as well as discovering myself. I have hit many bumps and roadblocks in my life so far and I know there are more to come, but I know that it will get better. Everyday that I write i have found my love for it starting to return. I don’t know why I needed reassurance from strangers before but I’ve realized if I love something I need to continue to pursue it.

This blog has brought in many interesting people that I thought I would never get the opportunity to talk to. (Thank you internet/wordpress.) I’d also like to say that sometimes falling to the ground and crawling back to your feet again is the best way to discover yourself again. My gut feeling last year to step down from my job and pursue writing was extremely frightening. Also, the many trials that continued to knock down the wall that I built around myself finally took toll on me. It wasn’t until I had to face my demons that I finally realized that I cannot continue to live the old lifestyle. I had to make a change in my life. First it was my job, then my spending, and now my faith.

I have found the happiness that I was so desperately searching for a year ago. It never was about becoming rich, famous, or powerful. The happiness and joy I needed was a stronger faith and to be a part of the community I have learned to be a part of now. I do have a few days, where I feel down or worried about even stepping foot outside. I still do things that I know I need to cut out of my life for good. I’ve created habits that I am aware of now, but my discipline is weak. Hopefully, I can one day push all of those things out of my life for good, but right now, the tiny baby steps and goals are what’s helping me. I will never be a perfect person, but I can do better. Thanks to all those that have supported me and been hear to read my ramblings or happiness. I will continue to write more of my creative posts like poems and stories. I’ll try to post more personal things, but sometimes my personal life does find its way into my writings, so maybe you guys can see my moods at that moment.

Thanks again and happy blogging!

My Testimony

I was sitting in my office the other night thinking about how I could put my new perspective into words. I’m just going to put what happened to me three months ago out there. Here is my testimony.

Last year, I had stepped down from my position as an Assistant Produce Manager because I wanted to pursue a writing career. I enjoyed writing books and articles, but for a while it seemed like nothing was panning out for me. Eventually it got to the point where I realized I was only writing because I wanted to make money and turn it into a career. Yes, this is a dream we all have and very few of us actually get to live it.

I sat down one night and typed up a post on this blog about how I felt like I was settling into the darkest places of my mind. Everything seemed to not fall into place the way I wanted it to. I was jealous of small things in other people’s lives because they seemed so happy and content with the life they were living. Then, I realized social media will always portray the good, and rarely the bad. My dark place led to my constant drinking to numb whatever was panging at my brain every night. My writing seemed to turn into a hell that I did not want to pull myself to anymore because I felt like I had failed with my first novel. It hurt to know that I was not as GREAT as my ego made me out to be. I deceived many on social media with lavish pictures of me going out with friends and wearing clothes that I had bought on my manager salary. It was all materialistic and fake.

I didn’t realize I had a spending problem until I stepped down from being an assistant. My checks went to expensive surround sound systems, televisions, video games, buying more of my books, and a nice brand new car. I mean, I thought I was living in heaven, but I never really saw the negative of what would happen if things didn’t work out with my writing. My readers, friends, and family praised me for my story. It was a great moment in my life, but I had a hard time sitting at the computer to work on my books because I only wanted to enjoy the materialistic things that were in my life. This is where I was in the wrong place.

After I stepped down, I stopped writing for about three months. I focused on just working and trying to make ends meet. I was worried about how I would pay my credit cards, my mortgage, my car, insurance, food, gas, and utilities. I mean, I was a wreck for a long time. My fiance talked to me and her mom was very generous to help me with my car, which I still appreciate dearly today. I even know my mother and father to help me out too on rainy days when I really need help, whether it is a few dollars for the mortgage, or the doctor when I’m ill. I thank god now every day for the support system around me that will help me get through the toughest rode I’ve walked on yet.

I went out and started applying for other jobs because I was in disgust with the job I was at, and I am currently at now. My new job search started with a restaurant needing a waiter. I received a call literally thirty minutes after I turned the application in. The place was desperate, but I felt like I could do better because the job I currently had was better with benefits, hours, and pay. I walked out of the interview shaking my head with utter disbelief.

I continued to apply for more jobs and ended up at a gas station. The pay was less, but I was desperate for anything other than where I was working currently. I went to the interview, orientation, and even the first day of training. You guys probably remember my post about this job and how much I didn’t like it. I ended up walking away from it after the first day because my gut feeling told me to walk away after I heard about a girl and manager getting shot behind the place a few weeks prior. Thanks for the opportunity, but I can’t see myself ending up dead behind a dumpster. So I walked away.

I ended up going to an interview for another job at a retailer that i liked. I had a great interview, the pay was better, and it seemed like the place I needed to be at. I took my drug test the next day. I was suffering from a really bad case of strep throat so I was a little woozy through the whole experience. This time though I called two weeks later like they told me to about my drug test if they didn’t respond. The hiring manager said to call back because she was in an orientation. She was all snooty and treated me like a dog over the phone. (Or maybe that’s just how I heard it. Who knows.) I called the next week and left a message. I didn’t hear anything for two or three days. At this time, I had already given my other job my availability which was 3 days a week. Only 18 hours. I went through this stretch for almost a month and a half. I couldn’t wait any longer cause I was getting behind on bills again. I emailed the retailer that hired me and no response. I called two more times and no response. Pretty much there has still been no response.

I ended up going to my boss and telling her to up my hours back to 35 to 40 hours. So she did because I’m one of her best workers. I started getting back on track with my bills and trying to get my priorities squared away. Then, a turning point hit me, and I don’t know what happened, but I was going home one night from work. My heart was heavy, and I was in so much pain. I could not pinpoint what it was from. I know I had been struggling with depression most of the year last year, but this time, it was unbearable. It got to the point where I had to pull over and just slam my head on the steering wheel. I couldn’t concentrate on the road, and my eyes were blinded by my tears. Everything I had hoped for. My dreams, my wishes, everything felt like it no longer mattered. I had lost hope in myself…

I grabbed my phone and flipped through a few of the contacts, but I didn’t want anyone to know what I was feeling. I didn’t want to bother them with my problems. My problems were always written on here, and I always let my readers and friends on here get me through the rocky road I was on. Then, something happened that I haven’t done since I was fifteen years old, or so, when I found out my cousin had passed away. I bowed my head, clasped my hands together, and prayed. I prayed for myself, for my family, for everything. I felt goosebumps rise up my arms and across my chest. It was like someone was holding me in their arms. It was one of the most amazing and comforting feelings I had experienced through everything the last few months. Nothing could compare to the comfort that I had felt. Even now when I remember what happened three months ago in the rain, still gets me a little teary eyed. If it wasn’t for that moment of desperation for help and hope that someone was watching over me and wanting to save me from my thoughts, I would probably not be here now. If I had gone home without that one prayer to Jesus, I would have taken my own life…

I went to church the next few weeks and felt empowered like I can change my life. If I am really not as happy as I want to be, I can change it. I just need to do it and stop letting computers, games, movies, and cell phones distract me. I turned off my phone and cable for about a month or two. I let myself focus on myself, my writing, and my relationship with Nadine. Everything started to piece back together and I felt like I had control over my life again. I was going to work with a smile on my face, I was writing for hours on end, and I could feel the Lord with me through it all.

One night I was sitting at my computer writing a post for my blog when I received a message on facebook. This was after I turned everything back on cause I needed to communicate with some of my contacts about my book. I had a friend from high school message me. She told me her testimony and her husband did as well. It was like she came back into my life for a reason. She pointed out scriptures that I needed to read, and she still does today. I tell myself all the time that there was a reason she communicated with me because she found me through my author website because she randomly had a thought in her head about me. She was curious to know what was going on with me. She looked me up on facebook and found my author page, then messaged me on my personal page. She thought I was doing fantastic since I published  a book, but I really wasn’t. We talked and she made me realize that I am not the only one with problems. There are bigger problems going on in other people’s lives, and I am sitting here getting depressed over unpaid bills that will not kill me. Her words to me helped me move past my past and live in the present.

After this, I started listening to my preacher’s sermons closer and finding the messages in them. I even started reading the bible to learn more about the beginning and the stories of the old and new testament. Now, I sit here and feel joy inside me. I’ve found that no matter what struggles you are dealing with today, no matter what road you are walking on, and no matter how easy your life may be so far, we all are going to experience something that will be a turning point in our lives. Whether it’s writing a book, traveling around the world, or finding that love you have been waiting eagerly for. We all will experience a turning point that will lead us to where we need to be.

If you feel like you are not where you need to be in your life, then change it. Lead yourself in the direction you want to go. Try to love what you do, even if it is a job that you do not enjoy. We all focus so much I doing things that we love and making money off of it. Yes, it is great to be paid for the things we love to do, but what if we loved what we did without the monetary value? What if we played music for the love of it, wrote for the love of it, played sports for the love of it? I mean, society has turned so much to making those millions, but if that is engulfed in your mind are you really going to continue to love what you enjoy?

Tomorrow we’re all going to wake up, and do our normal routine. Whether it’s make breakfast for the family, roll out of bed to go to work at 4am, or even sleep in till noon, what will you do different from today? Maybe you’ll smile more, maybe you’ll learn of a tragedy that will sink your chest into your gut, or maybe you will open your eyes and hear your calling. Whatever it may be, you can change the outcome of your day if love remains true to your heart for everyone.