Trials

I have come to the realization that I am being tested. Last year was a great year. I published my first book, made a little money to get some new things, and stepped down from my job to pursue writing. I’ve finally realized that having a part time job and writing is not working out anymore. I can’t take the plunge that I wanted to because I am so deep in debt currently, and I am having troubles with even paying for my insurance, car, and phone. I was offered by a family member recently $3,000, but I turned it down. Is it because of my pride? I don’t think so. I just never really thought I’d be at this point in my life. Let me break it down for you guys real quick. Maybe someone can give me some advice.

I owe:

$308 on my phone before it’s turned back on.

$877 behind on my car payment.

$9,700 owed to student loans.

$2,800 owed in credit cards.

Plus, my mortgage has gone from $540 a month to $740 a month because of property taxes.

Am I concerned about these things? Yes, I am. Do I let them control my life? No I don’t.

Right now, I feel like I am being tested on my faith and my own life. I put a lot of faith in God, but when I get the phone calls and the letters in the mail from debt collectors, I do waver a bit. I am the first one to say that I am not a good Christian. I have done wrong, I have sinned many times, I’ve been envious of others, and I put my wants before my needs. I know there are far more people out there that have a lot worse going on in their life. I pray for those people I know and I don’t know everyday. I pray for myself as well cause I do need help. I do need to find a way to rise up from where I am at.

I work 40 hours a week at my current job, and I do side work to get by. Although I may be worried about these small financial things, I do believe that God will provide. At the end of the month, I still have a roof over my head, transportation to get to work, and food on the table. Yes, some days are scary. Some weeks frighten me.

The only consistent thing in my life has been family, and I finally realized that money was the factor that tore it apart years ago. Do I want that in my life? No. Is that why I turned down the $3,000? Maybe.

When you live a life where everyone is out to take care of themselves, you don’t know what that money will lead to. If I take that money, I would pull myself out of a lot of the debt that I am, plus get back on track with my bills. I just want to earn it though. I want it to be my own money that I busted my butt for. Not someone else’s money so they can come back and hound me for it back. That’s why I say no. I can’t put myself in a position where my family turns against me because of a piece of paper. Sorry, I needed to rant a little.