My Testimony

I was sitting in my office the other night thinking about how I could put my new perspective into words. I’m just going to put what happened to me three months ago out there. Here is my testimony.

Last year, I had stepped down from my position as an Assistant Produce Manager because I wanted to pursue a writing career. I enjoyed writing books and articles, but for a while it seemed like nothing was panning out for me. Eventually it got to the point where I realized I was only writing because I wanted to make money and turn it into a career. Yes, this is a dream we all have and very few of us actually get to live it.

I sat down one night and typed up a post on this blog about how I felt like I was settling into the darkest places of my mind. Everything seemed to not fall into place the way I wanted it to. I was jealous of small things in other people’s lives because they seemed so happy and content with the life they were living. Then, I realized social media will always portray the good, and rarely the bad. My dark place led to my constant drinking to numb whatever was panging at my brain every night. My writing seemed to turn into a hell that I did not want to pull myself to anymore because I felt like I had failed with my first novel. It hurt to know that I was not as GREAT as my ego made me out to be. I deceived many on social media with lavish pictures of me going out with friends and wearing clothes that I had bought on my manager salary. It was all materialistic and fake.

I didn’t realize I had a spending problem until I stepped down from being an assistant. My checks went to expensive surround sound systems, televisions, video games, buying more of my books, and a nice brand new car. I mean, I thought I was living in heaven, but I never really saw the negative of what would happen if things didn’t work out with my writing. My readers, friends, and family praised me for my story. It was a great moment in my life, but I had a hard time sitting at the computer to work on my books because I only wanted to enjoy the materialistic things that were in my life. This is where I was in the wrong place.

After I stepped down, I stopped writing for about three months. I focused on just working and trying to make ends meet. I was worried about how I would pay my credit cards, my mortgage, my car, insurance, food, gas, and utilities. I mean, I was a wreck for a long time. My fiance talked to me and her mom was very generous to help me with my car, which I still appreciate dearly today. I even know my mother and father to help me out too on rainy days when I really need help, whether it is a few dollars for the mortgage, or the doctor when I’m ill. I thank god now every day for the support system around me that will help me get through the toughest rode I’ve walked on yet.

I went out and started applying for other jobs because I was in disgust with the job I was at, and I am currently at now. My new job search started with a restaurant needing a waiter. I received a call literally thirty minutes after I turned the application in. The place was desperate, but I felt like I could do better because the job I currently had was better with benefits, hours, and pay. I walked out of the interview shaking my head with utter disbelief.

I continued to apply for more jobs and ended up at a gas station. The pay was less, but I was desperate for anything other than where I was working currently. I went to the interview, orientation, and even the first day of training. You guys probably remember my post about this job and how much I didn’t like it. I ended up walking away from it after the first day because my gut feeling told me to walk away after I heard about a girl and manager getting shot behind the place a few weeks prior. Thanks for the opportunity, but I can’t see myself ending up dead behind a dumpster. So I walked away.

I ended up going to an interview for another job at a retailer that i liked. I had a great interview, the pay was better, and it seemed like the place I needed to be at. I took my drug test the next day. I was suffering from a really bad case of strep throat so I was a little woozy through the whole experience. This time though I called two weeks later like they told me to about my drug test if they didn’t respond. The hiring manager said to call back because she was in an orientation. She was all snooty and treated me like a dog over the phone. (Or maybe that’s just how I heard it. Who knows.) I called the next week and left a message. I didn’t hear anything for two or three days. At this time, I had already given my other job my availability which was 3 days a week. Only 18 hours. I went through this stretch for almost a month and a half. I couldn’t wait any longer cause I was getting behind on bills again. I emailed the retailer that hired me and no response. I called two more times and no response. Pretty much there has still been no response.

I ended up going to my boss and telling her to up my hours back to 35 to 40 hours. So she did because I’m one of her best workers. I started getting back on track with my bills and trying to get my priorities squared away. Then, a turning point hit me, and I don’t know what happened, but I was going home one night from work. My heart was heavy, and I was in so much pain. I could not pinpoint what it was from. I know I had been struggling with depression most of the year last year, but this time, it was unbearable. It got to the point where I had to pull over and just slam my head on the steering wheel. I couldn’t concentrate on the road, and my eyes were blinded by my tears. Everything I had hoped for. My dreams, my wishes, everything felt like it no longer mattered. I had lost hope in myself…

I grabbed my phone and flipped through a few of the contacts, but I didn’t want anyone to know what I was feeling. I didn’t want to bother them with my problems. My problems were always written on here, and I always let my readers and friends on here get me through the rocky road I was on. Then, something happened that I haven’t done since I was fifteen years old, or so, when I found out my cousin had passed away. I bowed my head, clasped my hands together, and prayed. I prayed for myself, for my family, for everything. I felt goosebumps rise up my arms and across my chest. It was like someone was holding me in their arms. It was one of the most amazing and comforting feelings I had experienced through everything the last few months. Nothing could compare to the comfort that I had felt. Even now when I remember what happened three months ago in the rain, still gets me a little teary eyed. If it wasn’t for that moment of desperation for help and hope that someone was watching over me and wanting to save me from my thoughts, I would probably not be here now. If I had gone home without that one prayer to Jesus, I would have taken my own life…

I went to church the next few weeks and felt empowered like I can change my life. If I am really not as happy as I want to be, I can change it. I just need to do it and stop letting computers, games, movies, and cell phones distract me. I turned off my phone and cable for about a month or two. I let myself focus on myself, my writing, and my relationship with Nadine. Everything started to piece back together and I felt like I had control over my life again. I was going to work with a smile on my face, I was writing for hours on end, and I could feel the Lord with me through it all.

One night I was sitting at my computer writing a post for my blog when I received a message on facebook. This was after I turned everything back on cause I needed to communicate with some of my contacts about my book. I had a friend from high school message me. She told me her testimony and her husband did as well. It was like she came back into my life for a reason. She pointed out scriptures that I needed to read, and she still does today. I tell myself all the time that there was a reason she communicated with me because she found me through my author website because she randomly had a thought in her head about me. She was curious to know what was going on with me. She looked me up on facebook and found my author page, then messaged me on my personal page. She thought I was doing fantastic since I published  a book, but I really wasn’t. We talked and she made me realize that I am not the only one with problems. There are bigger problems going on in other people’s lives, and I am sitting here getting depressed over unpaid bills that will not kill me. Her words to me helped me move past my past and live in the present.

After this, I started listening to my preacher’s sermons closer and finding the messages in them. I even started reading the bible to learn more about the beginning and the stories of the old and new testament. Now, I sit here and feel joy inside me. I’ve found that no matter what struggles you are dealing with today, no matter what road you are walking on, and no matter how easy your life may be so far, we all are going to experience something that will be a turning point in our lives. Whether it’s writing a book, traveling around the world, or finding that love you have been waiting eagerly for. We all will experience a turning point that will lead us to where we need to be.

If you feel like you are not where you need to be in your life, then change it. Lead yourself in the direction you want to go. Try to love what you do, even if it is a job that you do not enjoy. We all focus so much I doing things that we love and making money off of it. Yes, it is great to be paid for the things we love to do, but what if we loved what we did without the monetary value? What if we played music for the love of it, wrote for the love of it, played sports for the love of it? I mean, society has turned so much to making those millions, but if that is engulfed in your mind are you really going to continue to love what you enjoy?

Tomorrow we’re all going to wake up, and do our normal routine. Whether it’s make breakfast for the family, roll out of bed to go to work at 4am, or even sleep in till noon, what will you do different from today? Maybe you’ll smile more, maybe you’ll learn of a tragedy that will sink your chest into your gut, or maybe you will open your eyes and hear your calling. Whatever it may be, you can change the outcome of your day if love remains true to your heart for everyone.

Crazy Day Off

I’m going to be completely honest in this post. I think I’m at the midst of a complete break down. I don’t know what it is that is pecking at my brain right now, but I am honestly scared. I don’t know what it is that is compelling me to feel this way. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m drowning in debt, that I don’t know what’s going through Nadine’s head, or if maybe I’m just a complete and utter failure, but right now, there are things running through my head that I can’t even get a grip on right now.

I had a day where I starting pondering a lot about life. I wonder if I’m going to still be in this position in ten years from now? Will I have a better career? Will I be married and have children? Am I even ready for the responsibility of adulthood right now. I’m trying so hard to keep everything inside me together but for some reason I do feel like I’ve failed. I’ve failed on myself, my family, my friends, and Nadine. It’s hard to let that come out of me, I use to have so much pride in myself. I use to be excited to know what would happen the next day. The mystery of life I guess you could say. Now, it feels like I’m living the same day, over and over again. I work, I write, I eat, I sleep, and watch television. I know what I’m scared of, but I’m too much of a wuss to admit what it might be. I’m scared to talk to my mom about it cause I don’t want to know the truth. I’m scared to tell Nadine about it cause I don’t want her to be scared. I know I suffer from a lot of anxiety at times and maybe that’s what it is that is making this increasingly hard for me. Anyways, this is what it has been like the last few days.

I’ve woken up from bed lighten headed, sometimes with a blistering headache. I take the dog outside to pee and feel a little dizzy. Then, the cat begs for its breakfast early in the morning. I usually go to the fridge and have a sip of juice and then I will go to the bathroom before I go back to bed. I finally wake up fully and for some reason my head hurts again so I take a 5- hour energy and miraculously the head ache goes away. I’ll take a quick shower and get ready for work, but I usually have just a granola bar, if anything at all. I’ll be at work, and my body will be fatigued after 4 hours and my energy drops dramatically after lunch. I usually make up for my breakfast by eating a bigger lunch. Sometimes my head will start to ache at work again, but I don’t know if it’s because of the five cavities I have in the back of my mouth. I’ll get off work and go home. I’m almost always ready to go to bed before 10 o’clock. 

Today, I woke up feeling even worse than I did the day before. I even slept in till 12 o’clock today. My eyes were feeling pretty dry. They have been for the last few days. I did my normal routine with the dog and cat. I went to the bathroom, but I had an even worse headache today. I took another energy shot and it went away. After Nadine left for work, I laid down for a bit on the couch. I got up after ten or fifteen minutes and felt extremely light headed and dizzy to the point where I almost felt like I would black out. I even went to the bathroom about five times today, which is not normal for me. I feel hotter than I usually do, and I just feel like my whole body is just breaking down slowly. I have no clue what’s going on with me, but it seems like every time I eat something I feel a little better. Then, I’ll be back where I was a half hour after I ate and I’ll be even more hungry than before. I’m home right now, and I already feel exhausted just from driving around town today, and it’s really starting to concern me. I’m even more paranoid about everything going on in the news, and I just keep thinking about what the hell is going on with me? 

I actually just Googled Diabetes, and I’m starting to freak out a little bit because I always said it would never happen to me, but it’s genetic in my family as well as depression. So right now, I really don’t know what to think. I want to see a doctor, but I don’t want to know the truth. I almost feel like I may have given up on myself recently and just haven’t realized it yet. Then, i go and talk and write about things about trying to improve on oneself and not letting things bog you down in life. Yet, I can’t even take my own words to heart. I’m a hypocrite for thinking I could just say things and it’ll all be better. No, I’ve really lost my mind this time. 

Inside This Complex Mind

I’ve been sitting here by my computer, at work, or simply in bed trying to think of something to write for my new novel, Eversoul. I ran into blogging when I was researching ways to inspire new and fresh ideas. I think I’m going to try this out, let some of my readers and future fans see inside whatever fucked up ideas I have spiraling in my mind.

Inside of me I just don’t know what I can do. I hear ads and movies say that “anyone can do anything they set their heart to.” Honestly, right now, I’ve been losing a lot of hope in the dreams I’ve worked so hard to try to fulfill. I gave up on music four years ago thinking that the path I was taking was going to bring me happiness. Think about it, I had job security, insurance, and retirement. The package was great but deep inside me was dying. It was like a festering demon that wanted to just tear my insides out and boil them over a scorching flame. I know suicide crossed my mind a few times during some of the rougher periods, but I would never do that. I feel like there’s more to offer. I’m only 25, and I haven’t even faced the real challenges yet.

Right now, I stock produce all day. Five times a week, sometimes four if I’m lucky. Every day is almost a struggle to try to put a smile on my face when I walk into that place. I see the fake faces that act like they care about you as a person, when actually, they just want you to make their job easier. Even if it means, tearing up your back or dealing with angry customers. I know, I was one of those authority wearing people who kept the associates in line. I also use to pick and choose what tasks I enjoyed doing. After a while, it dawned on me that it’s not a life working 53 hours a week. I hated waking up at 4 am and working till 4 pm. It was almost like slavery and for a wage that can barely get you by. I overdid myself financially with credit cards so now, I’m totally screwed but in all honesty, I’m happy this happened to me. I’m happy I learned this lesson early in life and can pass this on to my future kids. There’s always going to be a new struggle waiting for me.

After I finished Horizon, I think that was my wake up call. It was the answer I needed to have a better life. I may not make bookoo money like some authors. I may not be a superstar in the eyes of people around me, but I am happy to see people who are interested in my ideas.

We’ve all been in that place where we have been lost. We feel deserted. We feel like there’s a group conspiring against us to see us fail instead of succeed. Life has its moments of teaching us how to cope with the negative, but when have we ever looked past that? When have we ever had the worst day of our life, and could see a positive outlook on the day?

I’ve always let those negative feelings bear me down when I lie on the couch and flip through channels. When did we get so consumed in the life that is on the screen and not on our own? Have we come to the cross-road, where Hollywood and corporations have fabricated a perfect life that we should have in our minds?

After studying my past and finding the cause of my problems, I realize that we are obsessed with our belongings. We are obsessed with people seeing the new toy that we have. It’s almost sickening to know that our life has turned into a circus. We have auctioned off what truly matters in our life to corporations, so they can steal our pride and bask in their thievery.

You MUST have people around you that bring joy to your life. You don’t have much time to live. Take a leap of faith and try to build on yourself. Don’t let naysayers pull you down cause hell they’re not you. They don’t have the ability of being the person you could be. You are an inspiration, a hero, and a leader! If I can believe in myself to achieve greatness, you can too. Don’t let one bump pull you back any further. Leap over it and make something of yourself.