MY Recent ReBlog

I scoured through my past posts and was amazed at how long ago I posted my Testimony on here. I read through the whole post, which I am sorry if it was too long for anyone that read it, but it was my story last year. We all have a story where we fell to the darkest depths of our inner selves and tried so desperately to pull ourselves from the ashes, but we continued to scrape against the small stone walls of our world. It’s kind of funny though when God uncovers your blind eyes and reveals what is waiting for you. Yes, it may at first seem like an uncomfortable change for yourself, but once you do it, the world starts to turn again in your life.

Psalm 139: 11

“If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is light to you.”

At the church’s Men’s Group Breakfast today, a young woman named Jessica Banner spoke about how God has been working with her to bring her to where she is now. This was a verse that she read today, and I was instantly pulled to it because I was in this same place for a long time.

It’s funny how this speaker today fell into my life at a time, where I was still having questions towards God. I was still pondering what my life really meant and why I was continually satisfied with everything around me now, even though not much has changed other than my attitude. I know I have been more active with my blog recently, and I write more frequently with my novel. These two things were the only two changes I’ve made in my life so far, and I have been immensely blessed with joy being able to have the opportunity to spread my thoughts with my words.

Today was a realization that God did many of these things so quickly this last year because I had too much pride in myself when I was an Assistant. I decided I didn’t need him anymore, and as bad as I hate to say it, I returned to him in the darkest hours. I hate to say it only because I wish I would have glorified him in my brightest days. I’ve learned to be more humble towards him and the ones around me that have pushed me in this direction, and I plan to keep moving in this direction.

Trials

I have come to the realization that I am being tested. Last year was a great year. I published my first book, made a little money to get some new things, and stepped down from my job to pursue writing. I’ve finally realized that having a part time job and writing is not working out anymore. I can’t take the plunge that I wanted to because I am so deep in debt currently, and I am having troubles with even paying for my insurance, car, and phone. I was offered by a family member recently $3,000, but I turned it down. Is it because of my pride? I don’t think so. I just never really thought I’d be at this point in my life. Let me break it down for you guys real quick. Maybe someone can give me some advice.

I owe:

$308 on my phone before it’s turned back on.

$877 behind on my car payment.

$9,700 owed to student loans.

$2,800 owed in credit cards.

Plus, my mortgage has gone from $540 a month to $740 a month because of property taxes.

Am I concerned about these things? Yes, I am. Do I let them control my life? No I don’t.

Right now, I feel like I am being tested on my faith and my own life. I put a lot of faith in God, but when I get the phone calls and the letters in the mail from debt collectors, I do waver a bit. I am the first one to say that I am not a good Christian. I have done wrong, I have sinned many times, I’ve been envious of others, and I put my wants before my needs. I know there are far more people out there that have a lot worse going on in their life. I pray for those people I know and I don’t know everyday. I pray for myself as well cause I do need help. I do need to find a way to rise up from where I am at.

I work 40 hours a week at my current job, and I do side work to get by. Although I may be worried about these small financial things, I do believe that God will provide. At the end of the month, I still have a roof over my head, transportation to get to work, and food on the table. Yes, some days are scary. Some weeks frighten me.

The only consistent thing in my life has been family, and I finally realized that money was the factor that tore it apart years ago. Do I want that in my life? No. Is that why I turned down the $3,000? Maybe.

When you live a life where everyone is out to take care of themselves, you don’t know what that money will lead to. If I take that money, I would pull myself out of a lot of the debt that I am, plus get back on track with my bills. I just want to earn it though. I want it to be my own money that I busted my butt for. Not someone else’s money so they can come back and hound me for it back. That’s why I say no. I can’t put myself in a position where my family turns against me because of a piece of paper. Sorry, I needed to rant a little.