I’m going to be completely honest in this post. I think I’m at the midst of a complete break down. I don’t know what it is that is pecking at my brain right now, but I am honestly scared. I don’t know what it is that is compelling me to feel this way. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m drowning in debt, that I don’t know what’s going through Nadine’s head, or if maybe I’m just a complete and utter failure, but right now, there are things running through my head that I can’t even get a grip on right now.
I had a day where I starting pondering a lot about life. I wonder if I’m going to still be in this position in ten years from now? Will I have a better career? Will I be married and have children? Am I even ready for the responsibility of adulthood right now. I’m trying so hard to keep everything inside me together but for some reason I do feel like I’ve failed. I’ve failed on myself, my family, my friends, and Nadine. It’s hard to let that come out of me, I use to have so much pride in myself. I use to be excited to know what would happen the next day. The mystery of life I guess you could say. Now, it feels like I’m living the same day, over and over again. I work, I write, I eat, I sleep, and watch television. I know what I’m scared of, but I’m too much of a wuss to admit what it might be. I’m scared to talk to my mom about it cause I don’t want to know the truth. I’m scared to tell Nadine about it cause I don’t want her to be scared. I know I suffer from a lot of anxiety at times and maybe that’s what it is that is making this increasingly hard for me. Anyways, this is what it has been like the last few days.
I’ve woken up from bed lighten headed, sometimes with a blistering headache. I take the dog outside to pee and feel a little dizzy. Then, the cat begs for its breakfast early in the morning. I usually go to the fridge and have a sip of juice and then I will go to the bathroom before I go back to bed. I finally wake up fully and for some reason my head hurts again so I take a 5- hour energy and miraculously the head ache goes away. I’ll take a quick shower and get ready for work, but I usually have just a granola bar, if anything at all. I’ll be at work, and my body will be fatigued after 4 hours and my energy drops dramatically after lunch. I usually make up for my breakfast by eating a bigger lunch. Sometimes my head will start to ache at work again, but I don’t know if it’s because of the five cavities I have in the back of my mouth. I’ll get off work and go home. I’m almost always ready to go to bed before 10 o’clock.
Today, I woke up feeling even worse than I did the day before. I even slept in till 12 o’clock today. My eyes were feeling pretty dry. They have been for the last few days. I did my normal routine with the dog and cat. I went to the bathroom, but I had an even worse headache today. I took another energy shot and it went away. After Nadine left for work, I laid down for a bit on the couch. I got up after ten or fifteen minutes and felt extremely light headed and dizzy to the point where I almost felt like I would black out. I even went to the bathroom about five times today, which is not normal for me. I feel hotter than I usually do, and I just feel like my whole body is just breaking down slowly. I have no clue what’s going on with me, but it seems like every time I eat something I feel a little better. Then, I’ll be back where I was a half hour after I ate and I’ll be even more hungry than before. I’m home right now, and I already feel exhausted just from driving around town today, and it’s really starting to concern me. I’m even more paranoid about everything going on in the news, and I just keep thinking about what the hell is going on with me?
I actually just Googled Diabetes, and I’m starting to freak out a little bit because I always said it would never happen to me, but it’s genetic in my family as well as depression. So right now, I really don’t know what to think. I want to see a doctor, but I don’t want to know the truth. I almost feel like I may have given up on myself recently and just haven’t realized it yet. Then, i go and talk and write about things about trying to improve on oneself and not letting things bog you down in life. Yet, I can’t even take my own words to heart. I’m a hypocrite for thinking I could just say things and it’ll all be better. No, I’ve really lost my mind this time.