Hey, everyone, if you’re already following my posts here. I’ll be posting more frequently on my new blog page, Allix Booth. Definitely jump over there to get updates on books and such and please check out the new trailer for the book. Foundations, LLC will be publishing the novel August 1st so definitely get your copy at any online retailer next week! Thanks again bloggers! 🙂
I don’t know if any of you guys have used wattpad, but last night I decided to create an account. I figured it’s about time to let these stories in my filing cabinet roam free even if it is chapter by chapter. When a writer gets to the point in their life, where they just want readers to enjoy what they read and not worry about the financial side of it, that’s when a writer can be happy. I figured it’s time to let you guys see what’s stirring up in this messed up head of mine. Hopefully I’ll catch some of you there because I’m really enjoying this chapter by chapter posting. It really helps my creative process as well as understand what readers want. Thanks again for everyone’s support and can’t wait to see your responses to my stories!
My novella “Awaken Within the Darkness” will be coming soon. Here is a little teaser for you guys. Daghen and Bogumir are preparing to step foot in the depths of Golden Tomb with a creature that has be dormant for centuries.
Forgive my slurs. i’m extremely tired but I really wanted to post a blog for you guys. hope you enjoy! Like, Share, and subscribe to my channel. Peace! 😉
I’m not proud of who I was two years ago. I don’t know if I’m resurfacing many of my memories because of recent events over the last few months, or I simply feel like there is a void gradually splitting open more everyday. Either way, I will never go back to that place. Everyday I push more and more to be productive and keep my past behind me. The strange thing is, it somehow finds its way back into my life like a twisted vine tightening its grip around my throat. Where did this all start though? Why do I always have the inkling that I am alone?
I don’t know if it was the constant heartache from being hurt by multiple people. If it was the fact that I felt like I didn’t amount to anything because everything I attempted to build always crumbled. Hell, I don’t even know if it’s the fact that depression still blackens my emotions like thick oil. I will say this though, I overcame a part of me that I thought would always hold a barring on my life. Debts, struggles, and worries were all the issues that built inside me and made me feel like there was no hope left for me. Let me tell you where I was in May last year and why I turned to Christ instead of committing suicide.
I had just left work at 11pm and it was a rough night. I was about to lose my car because I could barely afford the lease. My relationship was rocky because I was struggling with my own fears and doubts about what I could achieve. My life was a mess. I felt like David trying to hide every secret from everyone. I lied to everyone I came in contact with because I did not want them to know that my writing was actually a flop. Yes, my books were not selling and I was about to lose everything. I was scared!
The rain was pattering on my windshield and it was pitch black. I was listening to some rock music and listening to the chaos unfolding in the lyrics. I can’t remember what song I was listening to but I was pissed off. I was angry at God, my parents, my friends, and my life. I convinced myself that ending it that night would be the best course of action. A bullet to my head would be messy, so I figured a peaceful sleep with some drugs would make people bare to see my face in a casket at a funeral. Yes, I was really in the darkest depths of my consciousness convincing myself that death is the way to solve everyone’s problems in my life.
Eventually, my eyes were burning too much for me to continue driving so I pulled over. I turned the ignition off and stared through the sunroof, watching the water puddle on the roof. I reached for my phone and flipped through my contact list and cursed every person that I use to be able to talk to because I knew there was nothing they could say to convince me to stop what I was about to do. Then, there was some friends that I knew who didn’t even want to bother hearing what I had to say because they had their own problems and would simply brush me off like a mosquito.
I don’t know what led me to the moment where I clenched the wheel of my car and screamed out to Jesus for help. This was what I said if I remember correctly:
“Father, why have you done this to me? What am I doing? Who do YOU want ME to be? My life was great and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I lived a life that very few people get to actually experience. I’ve had it all. Why have you decided to lead me on this road? Why have you pulled my friends away and left me here alone? If you are real, why would you let me WANT to kill myself? Please, help me figure out something. There is nothing else for me and I am not going to make it! PLEASE!”
Little did I know a few moments later after really clenching the wheel did I feel chills ripple across my arms and chest. This was no ordinary feeling, it was like someone had wrapped their arms around me and rubbed my skin trying to comfort me. It was an eye opening experience. I took a deep breath and all the worry simply went away. Something inside me had changed and my perspective was gradually altering to wanting to go home and sleep.
A few days later, I went to church for the first time without it being a holiday in almost ten years. I was nervous and scared. I had always heard that church-goers were the most judgmental but after a few weeks of continuously going to church these people were trying to figure out who I was. I ended up going to bible studies with my dad there and even trying to get deeper into my faith after meeting more people there. Then, it all came together for me. I needed a community of people to talk to. I couldn’t handle all these burdens on my own, and God led me to where I needed to be.
It’s hard to believe where I was a year ago and where I am now but putting my faith in Jesus has led me on a road that I never thought would be there. Jesus gave me the strength to take leaps of faiths that I never thought I would have the courage to do. I ended up leaving my job, finishing my novel, starting a business, and accepting a role in a passion play. I’ve met a lot of amazing people along the way, but God filled the void. He has filled the void with people who care. Even as I write this, the tears are dropping from my eyelids because none of this was possible if I didn’t keep my faith in him. Jesus healed, he provided, and he gave me strength again. It’s truly amazing and I can’t stop thanking him.
Let go, Let God. It’s the only philosophy I go by now because even in hard times somehow he has protected me and kept my feet moving forward.
My experience as a writer and what I’ve learned over the last nine years.
I’ve been really thinking back lately to where I was mentally last year. There was many struggles in my and more worry than I can even imagine. It’s kind of amazing the 180 I took after I submitted myself to Jesus. It’s empowering to say that because before last April, I don’t think I could openly have said that. I will say, I was extremely selfish and stubborn for about seven to eight years of my life. (Possibly longer). It’s amazing what changes have occurred in my own life but simply saying, “Yes, I’ll do it.”
I used to say, “No,” many times. It was like the one word that kept me from having to obligate to anything. When I made the decision to finally break that chain of being comfortable and walking outside of that zone, my world changed. I use to be scared to even walk into a church without feeling like judgmental eyes were watching my every move, but it’s funny how those people were not like that. The churchgoers that I once thought were the most judgmental are some of the most loving and supportive people I have ever met in my life. It’s amazing how God has actually steered me away from the people that were actually causing all of my pain and suffering. It’s even more remarkable when he leads me back to those people and speak his word when they are in trying times.
The last two nights I performed in a play called “The Way of the Cross”. Honestly, I didn’t know how powerful the experience would be until last night. The last performance hit me harder than I could have ever expected. Although the last month or two has been a bit trying with all of the situations that only the deceiver could cause, somehow this amazing group of people came together and brought it to life. These moments are definitely the ones where the power of God roars in all of us.
I’ve met some amazing people over the last year and it has been amazing being able to walk this spiritual journey with Jesus. I have told many people my testimony and put it out there for many to see through this blog. Some of the most uncomfortable situations I have openly talked about without a flinch. Although my story is not as dramatic or chaotic as some, it’s still amazing to know that I was healed from my depression. It’s amazing how quick just being around a community of believers can pull you from the ashes of your own self pity and make you realize there is more to life than dragging your feet and worrying. Yes, concern is okay to have, but worry causes all kinds of mental illness.
Believe in Jesus. His Way is the only way. Much love.
I know many of you have probably heard this phrase many times. “Let Go, Let God.” I’ve been living by that for the last year. In all honesty though, I was that guy who continuously tried to bargain with God in my prayers, hoping that if I asked for something I could get it by adding that little “… I’ll do this… etc.” at the end of my prayers. What’s funny is all of those prayers were not answered at that specific time. It took three and a half years for me to finally realize what I was truly craving for in my life. Although having plenty of money and owning a yacht was the top picks on my cravings list, it was neither one of those. I found out that I can’t really live life without Christ in it. I was living in fear my whole life and yet the answer was right in front of me the whole time.
I remember last year when it finally hit me that God and Christ were always there. Yes, leaving my job as an assistant manager and failing at publishing a successful first novel were heart breaking. It was like everything was being ripped from me in an instance. Even depression decided to make itself comfortable inside of my unsettled mind. I lived through the thoughts of “What if” and “I hate this” for a long time. It took a year after stepping down from me position, at my job, to finally lay it all out to God and just ask “What are you trying to do with me?” At this time in my life, it was a weird question to ask because I lost my faith many years before. I was asking the same exact questions as anyone else I hung out with. “Why would God do this to good people? If he is real, why is there no proof of him?” All of these questions were not painful for me to ask three years ago, but now, I’m shocked at how losing my identity led me to BELIEVE again.
Here’s a scenario:
Imagine leaving your part time job for the night with distress and pain deep inside of you. You are struggling to pay the bills, you are questioning your relationship with your significant other, and you simply have lost all hope. The raindrops outside your windshield are enough to reverberate those emotions even harder inside your chest. It’s almost like everything around you knows what you are feeling. Tears fill your eyes and they are so swollen you are forced to pull over. First reaction, slam your fists against the steering wheel in anger. It doesn’t help. You reach for your phone and flip through every contact but you feel like the whole world is against you. You toss the thing in the back seat. A sinister thought creeps in your mind whispering, “Just be done with it. Be done with your life.”
The anxiety builds inside your chest like a balloon. You can feel the pressure against your chest and you almost want to explode. All hope is fading and the only thing that keeps creeping into your mind is, “You are already LOST. You SIN. No one LOVES you. There is NOTHING left for you. All you are is a washed up musician without any real talent or worth. Even writing has failed you. What worth are you to society?” These questions are tough for you to hear. All you can think is, “Yeah, you’re right.” You decide that taking your life would be better than watching everyone suffering around you by your choices. The only thing you can think of is to ask for forgiveness from Christ for being so weak and giving up.
I was the person in this scenario a year ago. My depression had run so deep to my core, I was ready to kill myself. Although the deceiver had me at his fingertips, something pulled me away. I prayed in fear because I did not know what as going to happen when I got home, but the remarkable thing is, goosebumps rippled across my arms and chest. It felt like I was being held. One of the scariest, yet memorable moments of my life. This was enough to prove to me that he is ALIVEÂ in all of us. I ended up going straight to bed when I got home and woke up refreshed. I decided to go to church that next weekend because I had been inspired by a play my parents were in “The Way of the Cross.”
When I went to that play, I didn’t realize the impact it would have in my life because I would have never thought to go straight to Jesus. I continued to go to church on a regular basis and heard the phrase “Let Go, Let God.” I had a friend that I had not spoken to in almost eight years, possibly more message me on Facebook to see how I was. She even told me that something pulled her to talk to me and check and see if I’m okay. I mean, how crazy is that? At a time when I was living through chaos and rediscovering my identity, someone from my distant past steps in to minister to me. God brought a blessing to me to help me on my spiritual journey.
My financial struggles started to lighten. Of course, I lost material things that I loved, but I discovered those things weren’t the root of my happiness. I lost my car, my smartphone, my computer, but I did not lose my love for Christ. I joined a disciple study with the church, went to smaller bible studies, and now, I’m in that play “Way of the Cross.” I have met a plethora of people and even found my love for writing and editing cinematic trailers for books. All of these gifts that were useless when I was working a dead in job decided to return to my life and bring back my drive. I eventually found the courage to leave my job and start my own business. Even found time to write a book which will be out March 19. Now, I have discovered a hidden gift that I was always shy about, acting. I never thought I would be able to have the courage to stand in front of people to act out an event that means so much to the Christian community.
I wanted to write this because I struggle just as much as anyone else. The deceiver sits on my shoulder everyday, waiting for an opportunity to whisper in my ear. Today, the deceiver decided the opportune time was while I was acting out a monologue. The thoughts slithered in my ears. “You can’t play this part. You hardly know how to pronounce the words. Do you really think your shivers and shakes are unnoticed in the crowd? Ha! You are pathetic!” These were the thoughts drilling into my mind. I felt like a lost lamb, trying to escape a wolf. I sat in my car when I got home and pulled out the script, scanning through every line trying to figure out what I was getting myself into. With starting a business, promoting a book, and trying to memorize lines, I was frightened. It wasn’t until I heard the song “Who Am I” by Casting Crown. It really pulled me out of my fears. God is on my side and rooting for me. He led me in this direction for a reason, and I’m not going to let him down. I will never give up!
https://www.thunderclap.it/projects/38467-the-aldoras-chronicles-series/embed
Hey bloggers!
I wanted to just ask for your support on my Thunderclap for “The Temperament Scepter” Release. Thank you for everyone that has been here with me through this journey. I can’t wait for the adventure to begin!
Hey, guys! We’re a month away from March 19, which is the release of my debut novel “The Temperament Scepter”. This is being written under my pen name Allix Booth. I know I have been a bit quiet on here the last few months, but it gets a bit crazy when things start piecing together especially after recovering from depression.
I will say it has been a long road to this moment finally, and I can’t even explain how amazing it is to know that you guys have stuck with me this long. It is extremely humbling to know that my writing has caught your eye, or at least brought a little inspiration in your lives. I want my readers of this blog to know that I will return to my regular posts soon. I’m actually going to bring back “Interview with the Awethors” soon. I actually have an extremely talented author in mind that I’m going to be interviewing here soon. Her name will come soon and guess what? She is a fantasy author!
Well, if you guys get a chance to drop in on my author page you’ll find me there most of the time over the next month or so. Also, I have the e-book on preorder on Amazon currently, so definitely take advantage of the savings before the release. Currently, “The Temperament Scepter” is posted for $3.99. After March 19, it will go to $4.99.
One last thing, I’m hosting the release event March 19-20 with 16 amazing authors joining me in this debut event for my pen name, Allix Booth. Thanks again for all the support you guys have shown, and I hope to be back here soon. If you have any questions, feel free to leave them in the comments section below.
Facebook Page
Amazon Preorder
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01BCUN07Q
Release Event
https://www.facebook.com/events/1676993032585392/
William Lloyd (Author) 